thankful.

At the end of every year, I find myself reflecting and thinking a lot. I always have so many things to be thankful for, but this year I feel especially blessed. At the beginning of 2010, I never would have imagined all the incredible people and relationships that would enter my life.


I am thankful for a God that lovingly corrects me and shows me that His plans are better than my own. I am thankful that He has taught me what it is to be completely out of my comfort zone, and grown me through those experiences. I am thankful that He chases after me even when I run from Him, and that He loves me more than I can begin to comprehend. I am thankful that He sent His son to die a brutal death so that I can be with Him for eternity, and that through Jesus I don't have to be afraid of death and that there is hope. I am thankful that through Jesus, God sees me as beautiful, no matter what I do or how bad I mess up. I am thankful that He sees me as beautiful and reminds me of it daily, even when the world doesn't think so. I am thankful that He is big and good and worthy, and that He showed me that through His creation so many times this year.

I am thankful for opportunities that I never would have chosen for myself. I'm thankful that I was thrown terribly far outside of my comfort zone, and had no choice but to tackle the challenges head on. I'm thankful that the Lord knows me and knew exactly what and who I would need in order to grow in Him.

I am thankful for my incredible friends who know me well, and still put up with me. I am thankful for mile deep relationships, that you can read all about here. :).

I am thankful for these precious blessings, and their parents who give me the best job that I could ever ask for. I am thankful for their sweet mother who has my back no matter what, and loves me like I am her own. I am thankful that she protects me and can lovingly speak truth into my life. I'm thankful for the countless meals they have fed me, and that they let me leave them for 10 weeks this summer, and still loved me all the same. I cannot imagine my life without them. They are a gift from God that will never be replaced and always have a very special part of my heart.

I am thankful for the only man in my life. I am thankful that he loves me unconditionally, even when I don't deserve it. I am thankful that he is generous and will do anything to give me the best opportunities. I'm thankful that he is patient with me and that he encourages me regardless of the circumstance. I am thankful for his humor and his positive outlook on life. I am so thankful for a father that is a great example of what the Heavenly Father's love is like for His people. I feel like I understand the love of Christ on a different level than a lot of people, because of the way my dad loves me. I cannot imagine a second of my life without him. He has been the only constant in my life in the last 20 years, and I am so so grateful for him.

I am thankful for two people who keep me in check and can always make me laugh no matter what. They are the only real people who know exactly what I feel and why I feel it in relation to anything with my parents. (weird, I haven't typed or said "parents" in a looong time.) They know me well and give me a hard time a lot of times, but I love them and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love knowing them separately and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching them grow up and develop into the people God has created them to be. I am proud of what leaders they are in their school and among their friends. They will both do big things and go great places. I look up to both of them more than they know.

I am thankful for all of the people in my life that encourage me and make me better. I am also thankful for the ones that don't, because without them I don't know how I would understand what love and friendship really look like. Of course, I could go on and on about the things I am thankful for, but I don't know if there is enough space on the internet. :). I am so blessed, and so so thankful.


"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever." -psalm 107:1

-m.

humanness.

In the past two days, I have experienced some of the most difficult situations I have ever faced. I have felt like a complete failure. I feel like I have failed in my sorority, in one of my best friendships, and in my future plans. My plans took a 180 degree turn last night, and I never saw it coming. 
You know, it's really easy to say "Whatever God has is better than what I plan." I find myself saying that a lot. And my head knows that. I've seen His plans play out much better than any of my own plans so many times. I've watched His faithfulness in some of my deepest heartaches and in the times I didn't understand Him or what He was doing at all. I've been in relationships that I thought were exactly right and when they weren't I was upset and heartbroken; He has been faithful to teach me why they weren't right and then He's shown me something better. I've had an awful situation in an awful school, only to move to a different school and see how He perfectly orchestrated where I was and who I was with during what would be the most difficult time of my life. 
I know that He is good and faithful and that He loves me more than I can imagine and that He knows what is best for me. I know that. But it is hard for me to come to terms with that, when I thought I knew what He had for me. I prayed and prayed for His will to be done in my sorority and for it to be very clear how I fit into that picture. I completely believed that His will, not just mine, was to be in a particular position. Sunday night, it was made very, brutally clear to me that that was not the case. I know in my head that He has something that is much bigger and better for me, because He knows me better than I know myself. And I know in my head that He sees the whole picture, even though I only see a tiny pixel. I know these things in my mind, but it is especially hard for me to understand that when my heart is hurting and when I feel like a complete failure. 
I know that this is all just a part of His perfect plan, but it's hard to come to grips with something when it is so important to me and so in my face. If it was up to me, it wouldn't be this way. I find that in my humanness, I make my own plans and then run them by Him. It really needs to be the other way around; He should does make all the plans, and I need to be completely open and willing to do whatever that entails. 
So, I find myself praying for clarity yet again. I don't know what the next step in my journey is. By this door being closed, a ton of other doors have been opened. I want to know what is next. There are so many opportunities, and even though this isn't exactly the way I would choose, this is what He has and I am trusting in that. I so desire to live out His will, with a happy heart and to the best of my ability. 


"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" -jeremiah 29:11


"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -proverbs 16:9


I know that He has closed this door, so that others can be opened, and that He has put me in the exact place that I am for a very specific reason. I know that nothing is on accident and I'm excited to see what He has for me.

-m.

PS: You will be happy to know, that through these events, I have learned so much about dealing with feelings and emotion head on. Not exactly fun, but I'm learning that it is healthy. Be careful what you wish for... :)

emotions?

I find myself in weird places sometimes. I am a very busy person, and I have learned that often I don't just stop and be still. I feel like this blog might be a way to help me reflect and be still and somehow organize this mess of thoughts in my head. I'm constantly going, doing, being. I'm learning that sometimes, (okay, a lot of times) I don't deal with things on an emotional level. I'm too busy, always always going, so I just push my emotions to the side so they don't get in the way of my productivity. I struggle with Psalm 46 ("Be still and know that I am God.") And it effects lots of different areas of my life.


While I was at camp this summer, my aunt lost her battle with cancer. I got to be there with my uncle and cousins the night that it happened and I got to spend a few sweet moments with her before she went to be with the Lord. (Side note: I feel weird about blogging in the sense that I don't know who reads this or how much they(you) know about me. I guess I will just write what I feel, and you can put the pieces together if you don't know my whole story. Or, better yet, let's be friends outside of cyberspace. :)) Anyway. My family is super close and always has been. We were close before my mom was sick and died, and that only brought us closer together. Though we would never choose our circumstances, it has bonded us in a way that most families will never understand. 


When I was there that night, I couldn't cry. It wasn't real to me. I am incredibly thankful for all of the people in the hospital that night. Particularly one of my dearest friends, who is one of my cousins' best friends, and also worked at camp with me. He and I went back to camp for a couple of days after she died but before the funeral and such, and it was like an escape from reality. We went back and we were busy and working (playing) and we didn't have to think about "real life" and all the mess that was waiting for us at home. When we went back for the services at the end of the week, I was an emotional wreck and it was suddenly all very real to me. But then after all of that, I went back to camp and was busy busy again. And I thought it was good, because I wasn't feeling a lot of pain. It isn't that it wasn't there, it's just that I was busy and didn't have to deal with it.


When I got home, it was the same song, different verse. I had to hit the ground running with school and rush stuff and I really didn't have any down time. It's been that way ever since. I am thankful and blessed to have so much going on and so many things to be a part of, but it can be exhausting, especially when it all catches up to you. 


Last night, my cousin posted a video/slideshow of her mom's life on Facebook. I watched it, not at all prepared for what it would do to me emotionally. I found myself crying like a child two minutes into it. I was overcome with emotion.
-The first thing I realized was that I hadn't dealt with this. I have been so busy and so preoccupied that I have been able to escape the reality of what's going on in my heart and emotionally. Busyness has been consuming me, causing me not to face the reality of what has happened in my life and the lives of my family.
-Then, I got a brief picture of how people must have felt about my dad, Marlee, McLane, and me. That you just don't know what to do, so do you do anything? Or nothing? Or just avoid the situation at all costs? You would think that having been through nearly the exact same situation with my mom, that I would know how to treat people in the same boat as me. Funny thing, I'm clueless.
-And then of course, there are lots of pictures of my mom with my aunt Shelly and I was overcome with joy at the thought of them both healed and rejoicing in heaven. How awesome is that? It seriously gives me chills.
-Then, my humanness kicked in, and I began being sad for me and our family and asking God, why us? Why why why?? (If you keep reading and I keep writing, you'll learn that I ask "Why God?" a lot...) And then I was sad for my own sake, and thinking that I can't believe it's almost been 6 years that my mom has been dead, etc. We'll go there another day.


I'm slowly figuring out that it's important not to be spread too thin, because it effects lots of areas of my life. Yesterday's post was talking about how it effected relationships, today, how it effects my emotions. I'm learning a lot about balance in all areas, and this is just one way that I have seen it. 


Sorry if this was a debby downer post, but it's my heart for today. 


Wanna see the video I referenced? It's beautiful and makes my heart smile. You should check it out :) 
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=907279088438 

-m.

ps: You will see that I am learning a lot of different things in a lot of different areas. I've never felt like I have learned /grown so much as I have in the last year or so. I hope that I can inspire, encourage, and walk alongside you as I puke my heart out about all that I have learned and will continue to learn. :)

first timer.

I have wanted to start a blog for a long time. I read several different blogs regularly, possibly to a creepy point. But I just like to know people and know them deeply. I have seen that people are typically fully themselves on their blog, and it helps me understand that I'm not alone, whether it be in an outfit that I wore and was unsure about later, or to see that people deal with real pain too, or to understand the simple joys that come with life. I love to see that people, though created unique and vastly different, have a lot of the same ideas, dreams, thoughts, feelings, etc.

So here I am. Where to even begin? I'm a talker and I enjoy writing, so this has potential to be a dangerous thing or a great thing. It can serve as a distraction from studying or it could grow me as I explore who the Lord created me to be through writing. Maybe a little of both. I guess only time will tell.

Speaking of knowing people deeply, I have been learning a lot about that lately. The guy that leads the college group that I attend (newp) said this the other night in reference to relationships/friendships:

"Often times we are stretched a thousand feet wide and only an inch deep."

Ever since I heard that, it has been so clear to me that I'm often in that place. I know lots of people involved in lots of different things and organizations and I know people through people. And I believe in networking and I believe that it's a good thing to know people and have connections. However, there is real value in deep relationships that go beyond the surface. I have learned so much about that since I've been in college, and even more so in the last 6 months. I've also learned that friendships and relationships can only go so deep without Christ in them. I knew these things in my head, but I never fully understood them in my heart. (If I keep blogging and you keep reading, you will quickly find that my head and my heart don't agree a lot of the time, and I am learning how to differentiate my humanness from the Lord and his plans...we'll go there another day...) Anywaaay... I worked at a church camp in the New Mexico mountains for 10 weeks this summer. Through that, I gained some of the strongest and deepest relationships that I've ever had in my life. It was hard for me to leave them, knowing that I didn't know when I would see them again and knowing that they wouldn't be a part of my daily life as they had been the last 10 weeks. It was hard because these relationships weren't just topical and surface. I laughed, cried, prayed, worked, was encouraged by, and did some of the hardest things I've ever done with these people. As I drove to Lubbock from Albuquerque that last weekend, I realized the depth of those relationships, and that God created us to love and be loved by people like that. I longed for more relationships like that. I began to pray that the Lord would place people like that in my life when school started again. God is faithful and I have watched Him answer that prayer time and time again this semester. I am immeasurably blessed by some incredible people that I have crossed paths with this semester. It's my prayer that you will have relationships like this and that you can see Christ's love for you through them. Look for your relationships to be a mile deep and don't spread yourself too thin. It's so worth it.

These are some pictures of some of the people that I have mile deep relationships with. I am blessed. Also, the pictures are a brief recap of this summer and then this semester so far. :)

-m.