emotions?

I find myself in weird places sometimes. I am a very busy person, and I have learned that often I don't just stop and be still. I feel like this blog might be a way to help me reflect and be still and somehow organize this mess of thoughts in my head. I'm constantly going, doing, being. I'm learning that sometimes, (okay, a lot of times) I don't deal with things on an emotional level. I'm too busy, always always going, so I just push my emotions to the side so they don't get in the way of my productivity. I struggle with Psalm 46 ("Be still and know that I am God.") And it effects lots of different areas of my life.


While I was at camp this summer, my aunt lost her battle with cancer. I got to be there with my uncle and cousins the night that it happened and I got to spend a few sweet moments with her before she went to be with the Lord. (Side note: I feel weird about blogging in the sense that I don't know who reads this or how much they(you) know about me. I guess I will just write what I feel, and you can put the pieces together if you don't know my whole story. Or, better yet, let's be friends outside of cyberspace. :)) Anyway. My family is super close and always has been. We were close before my mom was sick and died, and that only brought us closer together. Though we would never choose our circumstances, it has bonded us in a way that most families will never understand. 


When I was there that night, I couldn't cry. It wasn't real to me. I am incredibly thankful for all of the people in the hospital that night. Particularly one of my dearest friends, who is one of my cousins' best friends, and also worked at camp with me. He and I went back to camp for a couple of days after she died but before the funeral and such, and it was like an escape from reality. We went back and we were busy and working (playing) and we didn't have to think about "real life" and all the mess that was waiting for us at home. When we went back for the services at the end of the week, I was an emotional wreck and it was suddenly all very real to me. But then after all of that, I went back to camp and was busy busy again. And I thought it was good, because I wasn't feeling a lot of pain. It isn't that it wasn't there, it's just that I was busy and didn't have to deal with it.


When I got home, it was the same song, different verse. I had to hit the ground running with school and rush stuff and I really didn't have any down time. It's been that way ever since. I am thankful and blessed to have so much going on and so many things to be a part of, but it can be exhausting, especially when it all catches up to you. 


Last night, my cousin posted a video/slideshow of her mom's life on Facebook. I watched it, not at all prepared for what it would do to me emotionally. I found myself crying like a child two minutes into it. I was overcome with emotion.
-The first thing I realized was that I hadn't dealt with this. I have been so busy and so preoccupied that I have been able to escape the reality of what's going on in my heart and emotionally. Busyness has been consuming me, causing me not to face the reality of what has happened in my life and the lives of my family.
-Then, I got a brief picture of how people must have felt about my dad, Marlee, McLane, and me. That you just don't know what to do, so do you do anything? Or nothing? Or just avoid the situation at all costs? You would think that having been through nearly the exact same situation with my mom, that I would know how to treat people in the same boat as me. Funny thing, I'm clueless.
-And then of course, there are lots of pictures of my mom with my aunt Shelly and I was overcome with joy at the thought of them both healed and rejoicing in heaven. How awesome is that? It seriously gives me chills.
-Then, my humanness kicked in, and I began being sad for me and our family and asking God, why us? Why why why?? (If you keep reading and I keep writing, you'll learn that I ask "Why God?" a lot...) And then I was sad for my own sake, and thinking that I can't believe it's almost been 6 years that my mom has been dead, etc. We'll go there another day.


I'm slowly figuring out that it's important not to be spread too thin, because it effects lots of areas of my life. Yesterday's post was talking about how it effected relationships, today, how it effects my emotions. I'm learning a lot about balance in all areas, and this is just one way that I have seen it. 


Sorry if this was a debby downer post, but it's my heart for today. 


Wanna see the video I referenced? It's beautiful and makes my heart smile. You should check it out :) 
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=907279088438 

-m.

ps: You will see that I am learning a lot of different things in a lot of different areas. I've never felt like I have learned /grown so much as I have in the last year or so. I hope that I can inspire, encourage, and walk alongside you as I puke my heart out about all that I have learned and will continue to learn. :)