humanness.

In the past two days, I have experienced some of the most difficult situations I have ever faced. I have felt like a complete failure. I feel like I have failed in my sorority, in one of my best friendships, and in my future plans. My plans took a 180 degree turn last night, and I never saw it coming. 
You know, it's really easy to say "Whatever God has is better than what I plan." I find myself saying that a lot. And my head knows that. I've seen His plans play out much better than any of my own plans so many times. I've watched His faithfulness in some of my deepest heartaches and in the times I didn't understand Him or what He was doing at all. I've been in relationships that I thought were exactly right and when they weren't I was upset and heartbroken; He has been faithful to teach me why they weren't right and then He's shown me something better. I've had an awful situation in an awful school, only to move to a different school and see how He perfectly orchestrated where I was and who I was with during what would be the most difficult time of my life. 
I know that He is good and faithful and that He loves me more than I can imagine and that He knows what is best for me. I know that. But it is hard for me to come to terms with that, when I thought I knew what He had for me. I prayed and prayed for His will to be done in my sorority and for it to be very clear how I fit into that picture. I completely believed that His will, not just mine, was to be in a particular position. Sunday night, it was made very, brutally clear to me that that was not the case. I know in my head that He has something that is much bigger and better for me, because He knows me better than I know myself. And I know in my head that He sees the whole picture, even though I only see a tiny pixel. I know these things in my mind, but it is especially hard for me to understand that when my heart is hurting and when I feel like a complete failure. 
I know that this is all just a part of His perfect plan, but it's hard to come to grips with something when it is so important to me and so in my face. If it was up to me, it wouldn't be this way. I find that in my humanness, I make my own plans and then run them by Him. It really needs to be the other way around; He should does make all the plans, and I need to be completely open and willing to do whatever that entails. 
So, I find myself praying for clarity yet again. I don't know what the next step in my journey is. By this door being closed, a ton of other doors have been opened. I want to know what is next. There are so many opportunities, and even though this isn't exactly the way I would choose, this is what He has and I am trusting in that. I so desire to live out His will, with a happy heart and to the best of my ability. 


"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" -jeremiah 29:11


"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -proverbs 16:9


I know that He has closed this door, so that others can be opened, and that He has put me in the exact place that I am for a very specific reason. I know that nothing is on accident and I'm excited to see what He has for me.

-m.

PS: You will be happy to know, that through these events, I have learned so much about dealing with feelings and emotion head on. Not exactly fun, but I'm learning that it is healthy. Be careful what you wish for... :)